Satirical Articles Written in The Onion Style
How to Hijack a Plane (Without a Gun)
In a post 9/11 world, it’s hard to make a plane reroute without a dangerous weapon. Here are some threats you can make instead.
Floss everyone’s teeth
Ahhh your gums are bleeding! It’s because you don’t floss enough, Eric.
Teach everyone a card game
Fuck no I’m not learning Euchre. A trump suit? You mean a blue suit with self tanner on the collar?
Release a group of Jehovah’s witnesses
There aren’t any doors to separate you from learning about our Lord and Savior this time.
Put beans in people’s ears
Mmmmmm beans.
Have Grandpa Jim show pictures from his trip Jersey City in 1964
Grandpa NO. I don’t care you had hair then. Let’s address your 16yr old girlfriend later.
Explain the history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
Not my problem.
Force feed hardboiled eggs
Stinky. Unpleasant. High in protein! Really fun to swallow whole.
Ask the pilot nicely to reroute
Where do you wanna go so bad anyway? Twin Towers? Already been done. Grow up.
Release chickens
Not life-threatening but definitely inconvenient.
Explain your parent’s divorce
It’s your fault. Yeah your dad cheated with his tennis partner but you were super annoying.
Soup
Lots of it.
Dump out all the Diet Coke on the plane
People will go into withdrawal in minutes. What’s y’all’s deal with that? Get some help.
Make everyone do the YMCA
This might not work if the passengers are white and headed to wedding. They’ll enjoy it.
Moan every time there’s turbulence
Give ‘em a real When Harry Met Sally performance.
Teach the old people how to rotate a PDF
Jesus fuck enough.
Pretend to be waterboarded
Don’t use Diet Coke. Withdrawal rage is real.
Make everyone respond to their emails
I’d rather claw my eyeballs out. Regards, Flight J4628.
Put Cats featuring James Corden on all the screens
If they didn’t have PTSD before, they sure do now.
Roll like a meatball up and down the aisle
Oh you’re trying to get to the bathroom? Nope. Meatball time.
How to Welcome New People to the Neighborhood
Moving to a brand new place can be tough! Here are some ways to make your new neighbors feel welcome.
Plant flowers in their yard for them
Giant cactus in the dead center of their yard? You’ll be sure to get a thank-you note.
Force your religion on them
Catholic guilt works wonders.
Run over their dog so y’all can bond over their new puppy
Gotta have a shared bonding experience right?
Show them around their own house
Here’s where I smashed an entire bottle of wine on New Year’s Eve, here’s the closet where I had sex with Craig from up the street, here are the really ugly countertops.
Pour your heart out to them about your bad relationship with your father
He wanted a boy. Get over it.
Hide in their house and pretend to be a ghost
Be careful if they call a ghost hunting team. Those guys mean business.
Throw them a surprise beach-theme party by filling their house with sand
I’m sure they won’t mind if you eat a handful when they aren’t looking. Party planning is hard, you deserve it.
Get their mail for them even when they’re not out of town
Save them some time by opening it and giving them a summary of their mail. Just being neighborly!
Practice fire drills with them
Can never be too prepared! Fires like to strike often and at night.
Be their guard dog
Keep the mailman on his toes.
Tell the other neighbors that they’re neo-nazis
Now you have some new friends all to yourself!
Bring over some homemade soup in your pocket
No pesky tupperware to return!
Steal something every time you’re over
Now they’ll appreciate having a guard dog with this spike in crime.
Suggest they build a sex dungeon in the basement
I saw it in Southern Living. Trendy!
Clean their chimney for them
Surprise! I’m in your fireplace.
SWAT their house
They’ll be the talk of the town!
How to Be a Good Trip-Sitter
It can be scary for a friend to try a drug for the first time. Here are some things you can say to keep your friend calm while they’re using psychedelics.
“Don’t worry, this will only last 8-12 hours.”
Are they having a bad time? Remind them that this won’t last forever, but they’ll definitely be unhappy for a while.
“Should I let the frogs in? They’re waiting.”
Frogs are a weird concept even when you’re sober.
“There are bugs in your skin.”
Bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs let them out!
“Billy Mays is here to talk to you about Oxiclean.”
Nothing like the stain-fighting power of Oxiclean to keep your spirits high.
Alright, it’s time to remove your toes. Thursday is Toe Day, you know this.”
Having a routine is always beneficial for mental health.
“Bald people aren’t real.”
Special twist if they’re bald.
“Papa Smurf was just assassinated in D.C.”
R.I.P. to a real one.
“It’s milk time.”
They’ll know.
“My face is melting again, I’ll be right back.”
This will keep them calm. This is probably something they are actually seeing.
“None of us like you and I’ve been sleeping with your Uncle Rodney behind the Chili’s on every full moon”
Rodney’s just got something really special I can’t explain it.
“Time to harvest your organs.”
You could help so many people, Kevin. Don’t be selfish. Todd in Vancouver needs your eyes.
“Have you thought about your plans for your body after you pass?”
Never too early to plan your estate.
What are your thoughts on the Tiananmen Square Massacre?”
It was their fault, right?
“They hit the Pentagon!”
Some people who experienced 9/11 relive it everyday. Now your friend can have a shot.
“I simply don’t know what to do with the 10,000 cans of beef ravioli in the bathroom”
New neural pathways have been connected in their brain, maybe they’ll have a solution.
“The bees are coming.”
Uh oh.
“Your cat just spoke to me in perfect Mandarin that the day of reckoning is coming”
Just like the prophecy predicted.
13 Reasons Why Your Wife Left You
Looking for some answers? We’ve got you covered. Please don’t try to call her, this is supposed to be the closure you need.
Your brother is way hotter
Sorry. Have you considered a face transplant?
You lie facedown in the driveway
Trying to understand the plight of worms is ruining your anniversary.
You fantasize about Scrub Daddy
She thought it was a joke at first. At least use it to clean if you love it so much.
The life-size cut out of Carrot Top creeped her out
It moved yesterday. Doesn’t help that you put at the foot of the bed every night.
You don’t make enough money
Being a snake milker is not very lucrative.
You embarrassed her at her office Christmas party
Telling everyone about your snake milking job and offering to demonstrate on them got her sent to HR.
You’re possessed by a demon
Can you stop levitating for a second please? She’s trying to have a nice dinner with you and doesn’t understand tongues.
You can only have sex during high tide
Women are ruled by the moon, not you.
You’re growing man boobs just a little bit
It’s the hormones in all the milk you drink, Jeffery. Oatmilk has so many benefits for you and the environment.
You started wearing her bras
She understood that you may have needed it for your newly budding breasts, but only choosing the lacy ones is where things got weird.
You’ve become obsessed with tennis balls
They’re in the sheets. In the cereal boxes. In the shower. In the garage shelves. In the oven. Is this some kind of sexual thing? You don’t even play tennis.
You refuse to eat anything but raw hotdogs
Who told you that was an aphrodisiac? Stop reading Fox News.
You have cancer
Real downer.
Comedy writing bits for Not Too Late
Not Too Late is a late-nite sketch comedy show through Indiana University Student TV created by The Media School. The following bits are written in news headline style, in the same form as SNL’s Weekend Update
A man wearing a “Jesus Saves” shirt during a marathon collapsed just before reaching the finish line, only to be miraculously saved by a nurse named Jesus Bueno. “Jesus Bueno” is also what Trump said during a visit to a Sunday School in Puerto Rico.
Research in Britain shows that staring at seagulls can stop them from taking food from your hands. Unfortunately, the same method of staring does not stop Grandma from saying racist things during Thanksgiving dinner.
May 4th has been declared Star Wars Day. Coincidentally, May 4th is also Virgin Day.
A local elementary school took a field trip to the Chick-fil-A headquarters in Atlanta on Friday. The tour was ended by giving each kid a stuffed Chick-fil-A cow and a friendly reminder that being gay is wrong.
A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a stuffed Olaf doll from the movie Frozen in a St. Petersburg Target. And that’s not the worst part. After he had finished with the toy he put it back on the shelf. If Olaf wasn’t stuffed before, he sure is now.
12% of Americans reported they have trouble finding excuses to leave the party early. My go-to line is “Sorry I can’t stay longer, I have to go shave my big toe hair.” Now, I don’t have to find any more excuses because I’m “uninvited indefinitely”.
New IU students in Bloomington are reportedly confused when they visit Showalter Fountain. Who is Walter? What if he’s already seen it?
Stephen MacFarlane and Alan Robinson have been lifelong friends for more than 60yrs. They recently discovered through a DNA testing website that they are related. They were both so happy until Stephen revealed that he had been having relations with Alan’s mother.
An Iowa woman died from an explosion last night in what appears to be a gender-reveal party gone wrong. Bystanders were quoted in saying “the explosion was cool, but what gender is red?”
In New Jersey. wild turkeys are taking over a small neighborhood. They are reportedly terrorizing humans, breaking windows and pecking at cars. We interviewed a mailman who just recently got over his fear of dogs. He had no comment.
A Florida man was arrested on Wednesday night for pointing lasers at planes trying to land at Sarasota International Airport. While he declined to be interviewed, I believe he was doing a public service of trying to stop people from visiting Florida.
An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. If I were his dentist I’d be worried.
In other news, Monster’s Inc movie character, Mike Wazowski, has received a lot of attention for this realization— his chin, is also his crotch. That’s tough.
A Florida couple was recently found attempting to have sex in the back of a police car. The officer who found them disrobing when he entered the vehicle told us, “It’s Florida, this literally happens every day.” I guess if you can’t fuck the police, you can at least make the back of their car smell weird.
A 19 year old woman gave birth to a baby on the dance floor of a nightclub in Toulouse, France. Due to the good news, the club announced that the baby will have free entry to the club for the rest of its life, which was about 3 seconds since it contracted 13 different diseases as soon as it touched the floor.